Usually I read posts from expectant mothers about how they just can't wait to meet their little ones, or how they are so excited for them to make their big debut into the world. Rarely does anyone talk about the fear that comes with this huge life change. Maybe that's because they aren't scared, but to be perfectly honest, I'm nearing the due date of our boys and I'm terrified. I'm hoping that in the next few weeks I settle into that feeling of anxious excitement but for now let's just call it what it is, it is scary. In an attempt to rationalize my fears and maybe get over them I'm going to list them below.
All the changes - yes I knew it was coming when I got pregnant, but until now it was just oohs and ahhs and parties and showers. As we prepare for our boys to get here, it's starting to hit me... I'm going to spend the next few months attached to two tiny humans who need me for literally everything. That's a big responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware I signed up for this, but it doesn't make it any less scary. The best thing I can compare it to is the first time I went skydiving, yes I willingly decided to participate but when you're sitting in the plane about to jump out, it hits you... this is happening. Granted skydiving is temporary, this baby thing... it's life.
When will I sleep? Most moms I have expressed this fear to have been brutally honest with their answers. They have ranged from "You won't..." to "When you find the time..." to "When they go to college..." I guess I should be used to the no sleep by now, thank you pregnancy insomnia, but I've also been told that the non sleep of pregnancy doesn't compare to when they arrive. How do you function and provide for two tiny humans when you don't sleep? I'm guessing lots of prayer and coffee.
What if I go into labor and their nursery isn't done, and I haven't prepped the cloth diapers, and I haven't even packed a bag yet?? This one I recognize is completely out of my control, the only thing I can do is start prepping as much as possible now and try to relax, but it is so much easier said than done. I also know there are so many people who will help us in the event that this does happen but my procrastinating self seems to keep putting off tasks as a way of denying the inevitable change that is going to happen.
And then there is labor, now that's one fear that is just there, I'm not sure it will go away. We recently started our prepared child birth class through the hospital I will be delivering at, and oh my word, the animated videos terrify me so I can only imagine the real thing. I've been praying for awhile for God to calm this fear, to take it away but it lingers. This probably goes back to my fear of having no control over this situation and all of the horror stories I've heard about everything that can go wrong. The internet is not my friend. I need to start trusting that this is not my story, this is God's story for my little ones and however they enter this world it's already been decided, complications and all.
In light of all of these fears, I read something this morning that really hit home... I've realized I'm never going to be ready for childbirth, child rearing, etc. The most I can do is trust the one who is ready and trust that he made me to do this.
Ready is a lie & it steals all your hopes & dreams. & it paralyzes your feet from moving.
& it cripples your heart from believing life is most beautiful when living in the unknown.
Don’t be ready, Be free.
Ready is for people who trust in themselves,
Who want to live small & safe lives.
Freedom is for people who trust in the One who made them,
Who want to live lives too big to be ready for.
Credit for the quote here
Ellen,
ReplyDeleteI've never given birth to twins, but I have had four wonderful labor and birth experiences. I really look forward to it (although in the midst of it I sure don't like it!) because it is amazing. It is painful, but beautiful. I never feel more amazed with myself then after I give birth. You'll do great!