To my childless friends

Let me preface this post by saying, this is not going to be what you think. I am not here to tell you what you can or cannot say to me or what you can or cannot do with or around my children. I am also not here to justify all my new behaviors or give excuses on why I have fallen off the face of the Earth. I am simply here to say thank you. To express my unending gratitude to you for your understanding, your kindness and your ability to remind me who I was before I spent my days sporting yoga pants, a messy, unwashed top knot and wiping snot on my sleeve.

There are so many articles floating around the web these days shaming people without children for their “behavior” towards parents. While I completely understand where some of these mamas are coming from, and I do agree that there are certain lines not to be crossed, did we also forget that we used to be childless? Did we forget that we used to enjoy sleeping in on Saturdays and brunch on Sundays? Did we forget how to be human, and kind? Where does this attitude towards non parents come from? Is it something they lace the IV bags with at the hospital?

Instead of whining about our friends who throw dinner parties that aren’t kid friendly how about we thank them for giving us an opportunity to escape for the evening? Or here’s a thought, politely decline the invitation. Why do we think that just because we brought life into this world people ought to now bow to our commands? 

So here is my thank you note to those friends who are sticking around, it might not be short but I hope it is sweet. 

To my childless friends, 

Thank you for throwing parties where my children are not welcome. For giving me an excuse to get dressed up in something that cannot afford to have spit up on it. You have no idea how long I have waited to put on one of my dresses that currently collects dust in the office closet. One of those outfits that is simply not practical when you have to whip your boob out every 45 minutes to appease a screaming infant. Thank you for giving my husband and I time away from the house to enjoy the company of other adults without the background noise of children screaming. Thank you for caring enough to still invite us to things even though 9/10 we have to decline.

Thank you for talking to me about something other than diapers, breastmilk and baby milestones. Those things are not of interest to you, and while I appreciate when you ask about them or how we are doing, I also appreciate when you talk to me about the outside world. I love that I still have someone I can relate to on a personal level without kid talk.  Staying at home with two non verbal humans all day, I crave adult interaction, I want to remember what it's like to have intelligent conversation and discuss something besides the latest trend in child rearing. So thank you, thank you for reminding me that I am a college educated individual who has much more to discuss than diapers. Thank you for talking politics and sending me interesting articles that aren't from scarymommy.com.

Thank you for trying to relate to my newfound exhaustion by comparing my kiddo to your fur baby. Sometimes it IS very similar and when that is all you know I refuse to fault you for it. I know this might be your only way to empathize and for that I am grateful. I am grateful that even though you may not actually know what it’s like to be "new mom tired" you do know what it’s like to take care of something that cannot communicate, and how frustrating it can be. So cheers, let’s drink another glass of wine and commiserate the only way you know how. If you want me to be honest, no it’s not really the same, but I promise not to shame you for comparing your pet to my kid, and one day when you are in the thick of it I will gladly come over and snuggle that baby, and I promise to NEVER say “a little different than fido eh?” because who needs that reminder, No ONE.

Thank you for spoiling my kids. For giving them extra snuggles and buying them trinkets on your many trips to far away places. Thank you for loving on them and giving us a much needed night out every once in awhile. Thank you for buying them the adorable personalized name books that I wanted to get but simply could not justify spending money on. Thank you for being the house on Halloween that gives out the giant candy bars. Thank you for hosting a shower for me before they were even born, and for imploring your ever talented mother to make them beautiful quilts that I will cherish forever. Thank you for coming by on your day off to deliver sweet treats and give hours of cuddles to my babies. I know for you it’s so fun to have kids you can “give back”, but it is equally fun for us and our kids to have “aunts and uncles” on standby to swoop in and love on them whenever we need a break. 

Thank you for reminding me that it is okay to do something for myself. When you have children, for the most part selflessness becomes part of your daily routine. I don’t mean that in a “toot my own horn, I’m so amazingly selfless” kind of way, in fact if I’m being honest it is sometimes more of a daily struggle than routine. What I really mean is when you have children you now have to take care of the tiny humans, and put their needs before your own. I literally forget to do things for myself on a daily basis, sometimes I don’t even remember to use the bathroom until they are down for a nap. So thank you for telling me to take a shower and brush my hair. Thank you for buying me a massage or pedicure for my birthday and forcing me to use them. Bonus points if you show up and hold the little rascals while I take that much needed me-time.

BUT MOST OF ALL, thank you for your patience and understanding. I know I suck at being a friend right now, and I will probably do a million things wrong before one thing right. So thank you for recognizing that my life is different now then when we met, that while I truly enjoy spending time with you and cherish our friendship, other things come first now. Thank you for understanding that while there was a point in time when friends were my numero uno, that time is not now. Thank you for recognizing that prioritizing is hard, especially when you’re working on 2.5 hours of sleep. Thank you for knowing that I cannot do it all and for giving me grace when I don’t remember this and I overcommit myself. Thank you for still being my friend even when I forget something important or inevitably hurt you. Thank you for calling me out when I’m being a bad friend and helping me to realize that I need to be better at communicating. Please also know that whenever I can, I will drop everything to be where I am needed but that it just takes a little more finagling now that I have two little persons dependent on me.

Overall thanks for being you and for loving me and my kids in spite of our flaws. Thanks for sticking around and I promise to return the favor 10 times over if/when you decide to procreate.

Sincerely, 

Your very tired, very overwhelmed, friend 

who loves and appreciates you 

more than you will ever know